Children and travel

When my boys are older, say, 10 and 7, I'd really like to take them out of school for either a few months or a year and take them traveling. Where to and what doing I don't know yet, but I believe that traveling and being exposed to different cultures and experiences will teach them something they'd never be able to learn through books.

My husband, of course, has a different idea. He thinks children thrive best with stability, routine, and predictability. Which is great. If you want to raise boring people with no life experience and no personality. See, when I was 8 my parents packed up and went to Alice Springs for 6 weeks, while they renovated the old house they used to live in. For 6 weeks I left my life in Melbourne to go to school in Alice Springs. I made new friends, had new experiences, and witnessed first hand what it was like to live among and go to school with indigenous Australians. It was the first time I came across non-white people (not including Maoris). We lived in a run down house (until it was fixed up) on mattresses, surrounded by red backs (NOT exaggerating). On the way up and on the way back we camped in caravan parks, but without tents. Oh no, tents were a luxury. We had one of those fold out beds, and our sleeping bags, right under the stars. I remember staying overnight....somewhere in the outback, with cattle trains full of cattle mooing and smelling all night, while dingos walked around the perimeter of the caravan park type place we were staying in. My dad called it "millions star hotel". You know. 'Cause of the million stars. On the way home from Alice Springs (we had a car and a trailer) we stopped at Ayers Rock, and I got to climb it, at 8 years of age. It was amazing and scary as hell. All I remember was getting about 3/4 of the way up and crying because it was so windy and I was scared I was going to fall off, and this old man in front of me from California (I remember hearing him talk about it) saying to me "You hang in there!"

Anyway.

Looking back now, I learned so much from that trip. Sure, I missed my friends. I didn't want to go in the first place because of my friends. But once I was there I made new ones, and I very quickly got used to my new life. Children adapt so much easier to change than adults do.

When breast isn't best

There is a story in today's Sunday Life mag from The Sunday Age about a woman, Rebecca Huntley, and her harrowing experience with breastfeeding, and it got me thinking. There aren't a lot of things I get riled up about, but this is most definitely one of them.

There is already soooo much pressure to deal with when you're a new mother. The whole concept is scary, nerve-wrecking, and daunting, without then adding to it the pressure of having to breastfeed. You see, women already know that breastfeeding is best. We know that it's cheaper, better for them blah blah blah. But having it shoved down your throat during your pregnancy and the first few weeks of your new life doesn't help ease the stress and pressure- it makes it worse.

I truly feel for those women that have tried to breastfeed and it has been too painful for them, because believe me, I know exactly how painful breastfeeding can be, and if it weren't for the fact that my mum is a midwife and so I had help at home every day until I got it right, there's a good chance I may not have breastfeed either of my two children. At best, it was painful, at worst it was a bloody nightmare and some times it took all my self control not to throw either baby away from me when my nipples were red raw. I know, that sounds horrible. BUt unless you've been there I suggest you do not judge. It took me a good 2-3 weeks before breastfeeding was established with my first child, and a week or so for my second.

And what about these claims that formula can lead to lower IQs, allergies, and are sometimes even linked to SIDS? Well let me tell you something, WHO and ABA, and every other organisation that that tries to shove breastfeeding down women's throats. I was never breastfed, because I am adopted. And guess how many allergies I have? NONE. And guess what I just did last week? Graduated from an Arts degree with DISTINCTIONS. I'm not slow, or stupid, or always sick, and I certainly wasn't a victim to cot death. I know plenty of people my age that weren't breastfed and we are all fine, and that's saying something considering formula is better developed now than it was 26 years ago.

So my point is this. When it comes to deciding whether or not to breastfeed the only person who should make that decision is the woman. Persisting for weeks to do something that is obviously making both mother and baby miserable is just not worth the hassle. A mother knows whether she can do it or not, and it's not fair to make her feel guilty if she decides not to, for whatever reason. It is no one else's business whether she breastfeeds or not. It doesn't make her a bad mother if she decides not to breastfeed.

How was your experience with breastfeeding?

Not all sunshine and lollipops

I am not the best mum or the best housewife. I know this. And nor should I be. I mean really, how many of you out there stay on top of the housework, prepare healthy, nutritious meals for your family, play stimulating games with your children, and have a life?

Sometimes, I admit it, I am bloody miserable. My days consist of conversing with a 3 year old, and doing house work. I'm sorry, but how is this supposed to keep even the simplest of people happy? I will often see a whole nine hours of conversation that revolves around asking Lachlan what he wants for breakfast, telling him not to do something once...Twice...Three times, and after that I am definitely not the lady when I start yelling at him. Asking him once...Twice...Three times to DO something, and then yelling at him agAIN when he doesn't listen. Sometimes the most stimulation I will get in a day is reading him The Very Hungry Caterpillar when I get to use my brain power to count how many pieces of fruit the poor caterpillar gets to eat.

It's no wonder so many SAHMs are turning to Twitter and blogging to keep some sanity. It's often the only respite we have to an otherwise monotonous, repetitive, utterly boring, unstimulating day.

Prior to this blog I wouldn't have verbalised this, thinking "what will people think of me?" Thinking people would judge me and think I am an awful mother for saying this. Especially those that don't have children. And I don't blame them, because if I didn't have children I would probably think the same thing. Hell, there's part of me that thinks that anyway, the part that is being controlled by society, that thinks mothers should love being mothers and want to dedicate their entire lives raising their children lovingly with no thought for their own needs and desires.

I am most definitely NOT like this. I want to be able to do my own things as well. I am a complex person who needs a variety of things to keep me happy. My boys are just ONE of the MANY things that keep me happy. Included in this long list of things are my friends and family, books and any type of reading, writing and blogging, taking photos, and getting out and seeing the world.

But after discovering the delightful blog I mentioned in my last post, Crabmommy, I realised I am NOT the only one out there who doesn't think parenting is all sunshine and lollipops. It's bloody hard work. Sometimes it's boring work. Sometimes I feel mean and selfish when I think this. But I don't care what others think anymore, and I know there are others out there that feel the same way I do.

Don't get me wrong. I love my boys with all my heart and body and soul. I would do anything for them, and I wouldn't change anything for the world. BUt sometimes I just want to bitch about how unstimulating my life can be. And that's not a crime, and it doesn't mean I'm a bad parent. And if you feel the same way, I empathise.

A little taste of motherhood reality

Thank you Crabmommy, for verbalising all those things I think, and feel bad for thinking, about being a mother. I am so relieved to have come across your blog that I feel maybe I can be a little more honest in my own now. And thank you to Bugmum for pointing me in Crabmommy's direction.

Trouble getting your children to eat veggies? Try making your own spag bol sauce.

If you have problems shoving veggies into your children like so many mothers do, I have the perfect remedy for this. As far as I am aware, most children like spag bol, as long as they don't know there are veggies in it. So what should you do? Instead of using shop spaghetti sauce, just make your own!

WHAT YOU NEED:
1 zuchinni
1 carrot
1 red capsicum
can of chopped tomatoes OR 6 or 7 fresh tomatoes
garlic
onion
basil
oregano
salt and pepper

I haven't given amounts because you need to use what you and your children like. If you all like these flavours, then add heaps, otherwise just a little if not. Of course, it's the onion, garlic, and herbs that give it the flavour, so don't be too skimpy or it'll taste too bland.

HOW TO MAKE
Easy! Add it all to a food processor and blend until smooth.

This does make the whole spag bol slightly more watery, but you can either just tip it out once you're nearly finished cooking, or just leave it, as it has all the flavours.

I'd love some feedback, if you managed to get your children to eat it or not!

The joys of parenting

This is what happens when you leave your 3 year old boy up to his own devices while you whittle away time on Twitter and catching up on blogs you haven't read for a while:

Why having a second child is easier than having the first

When I was pregnant with my second child I was slightly freaking out. Having a child was one of the most challenging things I've ever done- how could having a second one NOT be even harder? No matter how many people told me it's easier the second time around I just couldn't believe it. Two children to look after. Two lots of clothes to wash. Two mouths to feed. Two children to bath and get ready for bed. It was making me tired and slightly hysterical just thinking about it.

Thank goodness it's all been ok so far. My second born is now 3 months old, and let me tell you- it IS easier second time around! But here's why:

- Being your second child you're much more relaxed. If you have housework to do you don't feel as bad letting the little'un cry for a bit, because you know he's not going to end up mentally and emotionally scarred for the rest of his life. YOu think "sorry mate, but this needs to be done, and you'll survive for five minutes."

- It's much easier to distinguish between different cries. Now, if my youngest cries I can, 95% of the time- correctly diagnose what the problem is. Short, sharp, loud or high pitched squeals or cries usually means he's in pain; normal sounding cries mingled with grunts and legs being drawn up to stomach means he has a gut ache and needs to burp or fart; red around the eyes, red face, not holding eye contact and whinging means he's tired. Of course, I only know this because I have a first to make comparisons to, but as far as I'm aware (from others babies) they're all pretty similar.

- If your baby is crying and crying for what seems to be no reason, you no longer stress. Sure, it's painfully annoying and a bit upsetting that he just keeps crying and you can't help him, but you're much quicker to admit "well, I'm sorry mate, but there's really nothing I can do to make you feel better. It will go away on its own and in the meantime I am going to do what I can. I'll cuddle you while I can, but if my back hurts I am going to put you down until it stops hurting. There's nothing else I can do so there's no point stressing".

- You're already used to being sleep deprived, so having a second child isn't as shocking as the first time when you go from being able to have all the sleep you want to hardly any. Because your body has already adjusted to the lack of sleep it's nowhere near as trying a time.

-Because you are more relaxed, your baby may be more relaxed.

Sure, it's difficult in the evening, which is often my baby AND my 3yos feral time, and my hubby's not yet home, and I have to try and organise dinner while the baby's crying and the 3yo is bugging me to play with him and whinging because he's tired. Those are the times that are difficult. But it's nothing you haven't already been through. The reason second time around is easier is because you've already done it, and you already know what to expect.

So, if you're having a first child, don't let the difficulty of it put you off from having another. And if you're about to have your second and are quietly shitting yourself, don't. It's just like riding a bike! Only it poos and wees and spews....

You have to listen to me, I'm a mum now!

Let's face it. Being a mother changes who you are. It really does. I never used to be an emotional person. Oh wait, scratch that. I never used to be a SOPPY person. You know, one of those people that cries at the drop of a hat? Who has little tearies when a moving ad comes on. If my mum would cry because of something in a movie I would say "Mum! Get over yourself!" Now I fear my children will be saying it to me when they're older.

You see, your whole perspective changes. The child crying, lost at the station (that horrible quit smoking ad) is your child. The family waiting for their father to come home from work (work cover ads) is your family. The first time I watched Titanic after I'd had my first son, and I saw the mother and baby floating frozen in the sea towards the end of the film, I started crying. Because I was imagining that baby being my baby.

For me, being a mother has made me less careless and irresponsible. I would never go skydiving again for fear of leaving my sons motherless. If some losers are walking past my house being loud and obnoxious I will no longer scream out to them "Shut the hell up you filthy bogans!" for fear of them coming and threatening my children. Even as pathetic as worrying when I go out at night that random things will happen to me which will leave my sons motherless- getting into a car accident, falling tree branches, being kidnapped or raped (touch wood to all of those). I NEVER used to care about these things before I had children. Before motherhood I was indestructible. "It won't happen to me" was my motto. I would have tried anything, and the scarier the better. I liked testing life's boundaries. God knows how I'll deal with it if my sons ever get to that stage.

But it's even little, random things. It's like that episode of Scrubs when Turk and Dr Cox are talking about how being a parent changes your life and the way you see everything. For most people having poo, spew or boogers on your hand is disgusting. But if I'm changing my baby's nappy or wiping my 3yo's bum and I get poo on my hand, it's no big deal, I just grab a wipe or piece of tp and wipe it off. Hey, sometimes I even forget to wash my hands afterwards. And I could walk around all day with my top smelling like baby spew and it doesn't bother me.

Now, I think like a mother. I haven't chosen to do so. I didn't consciously choose to start thinking responsibly. It's just that everyone I come in contact to I see as someone's son or daughter, or someone's mother or father.My friend across the road popped by after a run one day, having seen Lachlan and me playing in the front yard. When we went inside I offered for her to ring her her mum and tell her where she was, which she didn't, with my old attitude of "she'll be right". Needless to say, her mum came knocking, worried sick. When my friend told her mum I'd suggested she ring and say where she was, her mum said "You should have listened to her, she's a mum now!"

I also remember having a conversation many times about how no good deed is ever selfless, because at the end of the day you do a good deed because you want to help someone, because it makes YOU feel good. That is, until you have children. And everything you do for your children is for THEIR happiness, THEIR well-being, THEIR safety. It doesn't matter if the decision you make makes you feel like shit (and believe me, sometimes they do), because THEY are what's important. They are THE most important people in your life, more than your partner, more than yourself.

Being a mother exposes you to the beauty of unconditional love. I don't believe unconditional can exist for any other relationship except a parent for their child, and vice versa. It's the most humbling, most fulfilling, most painful type of love there is.

So, I might still be Melissa Wallace- cheeky, immature, sometimes selfish, stubborn, determined, and fun-loving, but being a mum does take precedence over all of those. Not by choice. That's just the way it is.

Second time around

Photo sourced from Blog "Someone's Photos"

I was watching Scrubs last night (which, by the way, they FINALLY put on at a reasonable hour- 8pm on a Monday- my blog must have got through to them huh?) and something really hit home with me. Turk announced to everyone that he and Carla were expecting a second baby, and no one really cared. And this made me think.

When Shane and I announced we were expecting our first child, everyone was ecstatic (albeit wary, as you are when you're not sure if the couple was trying or if it was a 'surprise'). In the hospital once Lachlan had been born, I was inundated with flowers and congratulatory cards. Both sets of new grandparents announced it to the world the very next day via our local and metropolitan newspapers. Visitors came in every day of the four days I was in, sometimes five or six at a time (screw the hospital rules). I went home with a car full of flowers, "It's a boy!" cards and balloons, gift hampers, clothes and chocolates. When I got home I filled a whole scrap book of cards I received for Lachlan's birth.

But.

Guess how many cards I received for my second son's birth? Go on, guess.......... Eight. Yep. Enough to fill two pages of a scrap book. Two. Pages. And guess how many flowers I received when I was in hospital? One bunch. Just one bunch, from my hubby and my mum (they went halves, the cheap bastards). And the birth announcements? I asked on the 3rd day:
"Has anyone put Liam's birth in the paper?" to my mum.
"No, why, did you want us to?"
"Well, why wouldn't I? You did it for Lachlan, why wouldn't you do it for Liam? Isn't he as important as your first grandson? Do you want him to grow up with a complex that he's not as good as his big brother?" (I may have been slightly emotional).

My question is this. Why isn't having another baby as exciting or important as the first time? It's no wonder older children and only children have god complexes (well, not really, I'm an only child, but that's not the point). Every child after the first one that is born is treated with a "meh". I mean, how rude?

To this day (3 months later) I still can't believe I only got one bunch of flowers while I was in hospital. That's like everyone announcing "I'm sorry, I just don't think having a second baby warrants a congratulations. It's getting old already." If any of my friends have a second baby, I will be sure to be just as excited when it happens, as I was with their first.